Thursday, May 10, 2012

Support for invisible disabilites...

I spent a good portion of this week talking to several adoptive families that I know about whether they would be interested in an adoptive family support group.  We have a support group in our area for foster and adoptive parents. It is an amazing group where you can meet and get training and walk through the journey of fostering and adopting within the system with people who "get it". 

But what about those families that don't foster anymore? The families whose lives have been transformed through the miracle of adoption and they are done fostering and working in the system. This group doesn't really fit their needs.

When you are a foster parent you have a million people in your life and your business. Sharing parenting with literally a village of individuals. This is a double edged sword for families. It is overwhelming and frustrating and a blessing all at once.

When we took a long break and were no longer fostering all of our kids adopted. I realized I missed those people. As much as it drove me batty. As much as I wanted to be done with all of their opinions and them telling me what to do. I missed them. I missed the support and understanding. The people who understood and validated my feelings.  I missed my community.

Re-entry back into the "real" world from being a long time foster parent is not as easy as one would think.  I struggle to know how to talk to "normal" mom's about their "normal" children.  I am constantly on alert of how my children behave around typical families.  I fear judgement.

My children have special needs. Our life could be a reality TV show. You can spend a day with us and laugh and cry and think to yourself... "did that really just happen?"  We are a full blown three ring circus of awesome sometimes. Society does not always look to kindly on a three ring circus.

My husband and I want to connect. We want support and relationship in our church.  But we are petrified to just go over to someone's house for dinner.  Our children are predictably unpredictable in the their behavior.  Is Christian gonna melt down cause he doesn't like the food and say somethings rude and burst into tears?  Is Josiah gonna hit their children and pick on the other kid causing screaming and tantrums. Is Chloe going to have and outburst of behavior or invade someones space inappropriately?   Maybe we shouldn't try to go to other peoples houses.... They are going to think we are bad parents... let's stay home... or get a sitter... wait our family supports are busy... we don't have a sitter... let's just not go.

This is why parents of children with special needs struggle with isolation and sometimes depression. This is why the divorce rate is over 80%  I wish I could find solace in my church community.   Unfortunately, frequently the Christian community is very judgmental about parenting.  I have been told that kids just need more biblical discipline. I am not opposed to spankings they have their place at times. However, I can't fix my children's behavior with spankings. I am not saying all churches and Christian's are this way but it is more common than you might think. I feel the need to explain my children's histories so that people will understand.  You can't tell my children have disabilities by looking at them. Their disabilities are "invisible" to the outside person. It just looks like they are spoiled and naughty, and that they have ineffective or lazy parents.

It is exhausting to try to explain things to everyone all the time. I just want people to think before they judge. To act in love towards my children and my family as Christ would with no reservations. To see that perhaps things are challenging for us and offer us support, help, with no strings, no judgements, no explanation needed,  no advice.

Please don't try to fix my children.  I have logged countless hours working with professionals and Google learning about how to best parent my children. Even more hours praying, crying out to God for wisdom and guidance.  Your love and logic, 123 magic or biblical discipline advice is not needed. Your love and acceptance and support is.  Your willingness to learn how to help my children, how to take care of them, so I can have a break is needed. Your listening ear and partnership in prayer when I am struggling would be salve to my heart. 

Christians need to remember... Judgements can wait. Love and acceptance cannot.  We are to be lights to the dark world. What does it say when some adoptive families find more acceptance in the darkness than the light. To me it signals a need for a change of heart and perspective.

I think we are going to start a support group for these families. The ones who need to get support from others in their shoes. But a support group is not enough. We need to do more.

The churches need to stand up, and step up, to be light and love in these families lives. No judgements, no advice, no strings. Just Christ centered love and service. 

What can you do? What can your church do? What do you think when a child is screaming about cookies in the store and his mother just keeps shopping ignoring him?  What do think about that mother? What about that kid that is socially awkward and is a little weird?  Do you tell your children to go play some where else?  What do you think about that child and their family?

Judgements my fellow Christians can wait... Love, kindness and acceptance cannot.

I just wanted to add...while this post originated around foster/adoption. This is something many families of children with invisible disabilities face biological or adopted. In our family we have been blessed with children in both ways.

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